Attachment & Relational Trauma
What is relational trauma?
Human beings are social creatures. Our very evolution as a species was dependent upon our interdependence, in fact. We are more resourced, and stronger, together. This was evident in the way early civilizations formed, and it’s evident now in the benefits of family stuctures, community, and joint endeavors. While there can often be more of a focus in modern culture on independance and self-reliance, the truth of the matter is that we need one another.
The trouble is that we are imperfect, and we hurt each other. Even when we’re trying our best, who among us hasn’t said the wrong thing, forgotten something important to someone we care about, or been misunderstood? Relational trauma is when we face repeated or severe injury in relationships. Because of our need for connection, mistreatment, rupture, and loss can be extraordinarily painful, confusing, and ultimately damaging.
Attachment trauma is relational trauma experienced with an attachment figure, or anyone we’ve formed a secure bond with or had no choice but to rely upon for security, such as a parent or caregiver. Attachment trauma is often experienced in childhood and adolescence, but it can occur accross the lifespan.
Types of relational trauma
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Childhood emotional neglect or abuse
Hurt people hurt people. And unfortunately, many people don’t have access to mental health care, let alone parenting or caregiving courses. Because of this, children are all too often in the care of folks who can’t meet their needs, or aren’t safe to be around. Emotional neglect, verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and parentification can all occur, and have an extraordinary effect on us later in life, both on our self-esteem, and in our relationships.
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Chronic invalidation or humiliation
Many of us find ourselves in environments that don’t accept and validate who we are, or what we are experiencing. While this can look like neglect or abuse from a caregiver, it can also take the shape of bullying, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, or even feeling like we “just don’t belong” somewhere. When we are chronically invalidated or humiliated, we can become self-critical, sensitive to rejection, or begin to engage in people-pleasing or perfectionism.
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Loss or abandonment
Losing someone we care for can be unbearable, especially when we have no choice in that loss, or when it’s sudden or shocking. Grief can disrupt our lives, and even inform our identity. When we lose an attachment figure early in life, it can shape how we relate to others moving forward, and we may develop insecure attachment traits, not trusting others to be there, pushing them away to keep ourselves safe, or even feeling confused about what we want in relationships.
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Betrayal or estrangement
When someone we thought had our best interests at heart prioritizes something or someone else over us to a point of betrayal, it can be extremely disorienting, shifting our world view. Similarly, when we choose to remove someone from our lives after realizing that they can’t prioritize or at least make room for our needs, we may struggle to reframe our experience and adjust to the estragement, unable to fully grieve someone who is still here but unavailable.